September 2009-Parent Tip on Grief
Alan Wolfelt, author of Healing the Bereaved Child, stated "any child old enough to love is old enough to mourn." Furthermore, any child that has lost a loved one, needs a safe and reassuring environment to heal. Sometimes, with children, we want to shield them from difficult feelings or difficult situations. The reality is, though, that there will be many twists and turns in a child's life and the healthiest parental approach is to arm them with tools they can use now and in the future to help them through other transitions, losses and disappointments in the future.
In terms of death and grief, there are developmental differences in how children grieve. Lisa Engelhart and Dr. Lyn Sontag, authors of Talking to Your Kids About Death-and Life, have summarized the different feelings and thoughts that children have in regarding to a loved one dying. They have divided up the catagories into ages 4-6, 7-12, and adolescents.
Children 4-6
Stating very concretely "Grandma died this morning" is the clearest way to explane when a loved one died to a child. It is important not to say "passed away," "sleeping," (because this may sound temporary) or "got sick and died" (because your child might think if he/she is sick he/she will die. Using simple, honest words and phrases are best. Allowing the child to draw or read books is a healthy approach to understanding and grieving. A younger child may also think that they are the cause of the death by misbehaving or thinking bad thoughts. It is important to reassure your child that it is not their fault. In terms of a funeral, a child age 5 and older is able to attend, given the proper preparation for what they will be experiencing.
Children 7-12
Children this age are more interested in the physical aspects and details of the death (Englehardt & Sontag, 1997), Questins such as "What do they do with the body?" and "What does it feel like?" are some common questions and concerns. Children 9 and older are able to understand the finality of death (1997). The grief may manifest itself through acting out, having trouble concentrating, sleeping or becoming depressed. Particularly in ages 8-12, the child may have a facade of coping and in ages 5-8, children may behave as though nothing has happened. This age also may ask questions repeatedly. In terms of helpful approaches for this age group, answer questions directly and honestly, reassure them about the future and create times to talk. It is also important to offer physical activities as an outlet.
Adolescents
Adolescents may react with shock, anxiety, distress, denial, anger, depression, withdrawal and aggression. They may react similar to adults but they have less coping mechanisms. They may feel vulnerable, and need talk; therefore it is important for you to be available to them to listen.
In general, grief and loss are a part of a child's life (as well as yours!) and instead of not addressing it for fear of negative emotions, it is best to directly communicate with your child and offer support and empathy. For more information, visit the Parent's or Children's Bibliography link to the left of this webpage for resources on grief and loss. Please also feel free to call me for community resources and referrals specifically on grief. You may also find resources in the Community Resources link on this website. As always, please feel free to call me directly at St. Joseph School at 206-329-3260 X220.
In terms of death and grief, there are developmental differences in how children grieve. Lisa Engelhart and Dr. Lyn Sontag, authors of Talking to Your Kids About Death-and Life, have summarized the different feelings and thoughts that children have in regarding to a loved one dying. They have divided up the catagories into ages 4-6, 7-12, and adolescents.
Children 4-6
Stating very concretely "Grandma died this morning" is the clearest way to explane when a loved one died to a child. It is important not to say "passed away," "sleeping," (because this may sound temporary) or "got sick and died" (because your child might think if he/she is sick he/she will die. Using simple, honest words and phrases are best. Allowing the child to draw or read books is a healthy approach to understanding and grieving. A younger child may also think that they are the cause of the death by misbehaving or thinking bad thoughts. It is important to reassure your child that it is not their fault. In terms of a funeral, a child age 5 and older is able to attend, given the proper preparation for what they will be experiencing.
Children 7-12
Children this age are more interested in the physical aspects and details of the death (Englehardt & Sontag, 1997), Questins such as "What do they do with the body?" and "What does it feel like?" are some common questions and concerns. Children 9 and older are able to understand the finality of death (1997). The grief may manifest itself through acting out, having trouble concentrating, sleeping or becoming depressed. Particularly in ages 8-12, the child may have a facade of coping and in ages 5-8, children may behave as though nothing has happened. This age also may ask questions repeatedly. In terms of helpful approaches for this age group, answer questions directly and honestly, reassure them about the future and create times to talk. It is also important to offer physical activities as an outlet.
Adolescents
Adolescents may react with shock, anxiety, distress, denial, anger, depression, withdrawal and aggression. They may react similar to adults but they have less coping mechanisms. They may feel vulnerable, and need talk; therefore it is important for you to be available to them to listen.
In general, grief and loss are a part of a child's life (as well as yours!) and instead of not addressing it for fear of negative emotions, it is best to directly communicate with your child and offer support and empathy. For more information, visit the Parent's or Children's Bibliography link to the left of this webpage for resources on grief and loss. Please also feel free to call me for community resources and referrals specifically on grief. You may also find resources in the Community Resources link on this website. As always, please feel free to call me directly at St. Joseph School at 206-329-3260 X220.