November/December 2014-Parent Tip on Power Struggles
Many parents experience power struggles when their children are around age 2. However, they can occur anytime from the toddler stage all the way up to teens. Avoiding power struggles is important, not only so the destructive behavior stops, but also because in the end-nobody wins.
Shift Your Mindset About Power Struggles
Parents can shift their mindset about bad behavior and power struggles to a positive sign that their child is becoming more independent and on track in their development. This does not mean children and teens get their way-it just means that when we know it is a sign of development and that kids will say "no" to their parents, we can approach this type of behavior proactively.
Empower Versus Overpower
An overpowered child or teen may react in destructive "fight or flight" ways out of feelings of powerlessness. Powerlessness creates revenge. When kids feel powerless, they will seek out ways to get even. For example, kids who exhibit the "fight" response may have temper tantrums, become aggressive, or destructive with property. Kids with the "flight" response may lie, steal, run away or withdraw. It is a child's and teen's job to separate from parents and become a part of their peer group and other facets of their world. When parents can understand this developmental stage, the key is to help them do this in a healthy and respectful way, not in a destructive way. Remember, you want your kids to learn how to say no, so that in the future when they are faced with a negative peer pressure situation, they can assert themselves and say "no" to negative or risky behaviors.
Side-Step The Struggles With Choices, Not Orders
Try and side-step the power struggle when you know it is coming. This means you as a parent choose to not pick up your end of the rope in the "tug-of-war". Choose to neither fight nor give in. This is the time to offer choices. You can validate how they are feeling but then offer choices. The choices need to be narrow but not too narrow where the child does not feel any freedom of choice. One of the choices cannot be a punishment-the child will see right through this. Give choices, not orders. For example, if your child does not want to brush his or her teeth, you can say "You can brush your teeth now or in 10 minutes." The child will most definitely still brush his or her teeth, but now they have some control over when.
Find Ways Your Child/Teen Can Feel Powerful
Give your child/teen some ways he/she can be powerful at home. This might look like putting them in charge of something at home. It is also important to carve out time with your child/teen where he/she is in charge of what you do together. During this 10-15 minutes a night, your child/teen gets to decide what to play or do. No teachable moments or discipline talk-just connection time with your child/teen.
Use Humor and Do the Unexpected
It is hard to laugh and feel mad at the same time. Try and mix up your bag of tricks. Find humor in the situation, make a silly face or say something in a different voice. This takes creativity, but will get the result of cooperation.
It is a parent's goal to raise self-reliant, appropriate and respectful citizens. Learning how to negotiate and accept "no" are key skills that your child/teen need to learn. Offering kids choices, empowering them, and giving them ways to feel powerful are the keys to raising respectful and happy kids.
Shift Your Mindset About Power Struggles
Parents can shift their mindset about bad behavior and power struggles to a positive sign that their child is becoming more independent and on track in their development. This does not mean children and teens get their way-it just means that when we know it is a sign of development and that kids will say "no" to their parents, we can approach this type of behavior proactively.
Empower Versus Overpower
An overpowered child or teen may react in destructive "fight or flight" ways out of feelings of powerlessness. Powerlessness creates revenge. When kids feel powerless, they will seek out ways to get even. For example, kids who exhibit the "fight" response may have temper tantrums, become aggressive, or destructive with property. Kids with the "flight" response may lie, steal, run away or withdraw. It is a child's and teen's job to separate from parents and become a part of their peer group and other facets of their world. When parents can understand this developmental stage, the key is to help them do this in a healthy and respectful way, not in a destructive way. Remember, you want your kids to learn how to say no, so that in the future when they are faced with a negative peer pressure situation, they can assert themselves and say "no" to negative or risky behaviors.
Side-Step The Struggles With Choices, Not Orders
Try and side-step the power struggle when you know it is coming. This means you as a parent choose to not pick up your end of the rope in the "tug-of-war". Choose to neither fight nor give in. This is the time to offer choices. You can validate how they are feeling but then offer choices. The choices need to be narrow but not too narrow where the child does not feel any freedom of choice. One of the choices cannot be a punishment-the child will see right through this. Give choices, not orders. For example, if your child does not want to brush his or her teeth, you can say "You can brush your teeth now or in 10 minutes." The child will most definitely still brush his or her teeth, but now they have some control over when.
Find Ways Your Child/Teen Can Feel Powerful
Give your child/teen some ways he/she can be powerful at home. This might look like putting them in charge of something at home. It is also important to carve out time with your child/teen where he/she is in charge of what you do together. During this 10-15 minutes a night, your child/teen gets to decide what to play or do. No teachable moments or discipline talk-just connection time with your child/teen.
Use Humor and Do the Unexpected
It is hard to laugh and feel mad at the same time. Try and mix up your bag of tricks. Find humor in the situation, make a silly face or say something in a different voice. This takes creativity, but will get the result of cooperation.
It is a parent's goal to raise self-reliant, appropriate and respectful citizens. Learning how to negotiate and accept "no" are key skills that your child/teen need to learn. Offering kids choices, empowering them, and giving them ways to feel powerful are the keys to raising respectful and happy kids.