November/December-Parent Tip on Whole Brain Parenting-Part 1
I was fortunate enough to attend a workshop called "The Whole-Brain Child" with Tina Bryson and Daniel Siegel on November 8th. I enjoyed it so much I wanted to share the information with the community, in a series. This first part is about helping children/adolescents integrate their left and right sides of their brain. The left side is responsible for the logical, literal and "letter of the law" qualities. The right side manages the emotional, nonverbal, senses, understanding the whole context.
Why is integrating the right and left sides of the brain so important? If someone is only engaging in the left side of the brain, they may be too rigid in their thinking and acting. If someone is only engaging the right side of their brain, they are only functioning on an emotional/chaotic level, and they may not make good choices.
What can I do as a parent to help my child/adolescent integrate the logical and emotional sides of the brain? There are 2 strategies that can help.
Tip #1-Connect and Redirect-It is very important to connect feelings first, before redirecting behavior. Parents can spend an enormous amount of time correcting and redirecting behavior, but the child/adolescent may end up feeling "unheard" and the behavior may continue. Even if the feeling your child/adolescent is experiencing is futile or you believe unfounded; it is important to validate it nonetheless. Once you validate their feelings, join with their experience, they will feel heard and that teachable moment can occur with redirecting their behavior.
EXAMPLE-A mom I previously worked with (Not at the school) was having a hard time dealing with her daughter. She said her daughter was whining a lot and complained about the older sister getting all of the attention. At first the mom would get defensive and say that she gave both daughters equal attention. After she learned about connecting and redirecting, she validated her younger daughter's feelings and said "You are feeling left out and not paid attention to because your older sister is needing extra help right now, and I am focusing on her a lot." Her younger daughter agree and felt heard. Next the mom asked her what she could do next time she feels this way, instead of whining. The daughter said she could ask for some time together or to go on a "date" alone with the mom. After mom connected and redirected, she then moved on and the whining behavior significantly decreased.
(Scroll down to see a short video on this particular strategy.)
Tip #2-Name it to Tame it-assign words to what they are going through, help them explain what they are experiencing and be present. Once they can explain their personal experience, they are able to feel a sense of control. This is similar to the other tip, but the focus is on shrinking a very strong feeling such as scared or anger. Helping kids tell their experience is important for them to let the emotional side of the story have all the power.
EXAMPLE- You might have seen kids play or act out something scary they saw on the television or in a movie, or something scary that happened to them personally. A child I once worked with was afraid to leave her mother because when she was younger, she got lost in the mall. This was terrifying for her and she is afraid if she separates from her mom, she will get lost again. This also transferred to tough school goodbyes as well. She would often reenact the scene in play therapy. When the mom helped her tell her story or experience along with her feelings at the time, this helped her "put things in order" for herself about the scary situation. In the book, Whole-Brain Child, the authors Bryson and Siegel (2011) state "...research shows that merely assigning a name or label to what we feel literally calms down the activity of the emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere" (pg.29). They go on to state "When we can give words to our frightening and painful experiences-when we literally come to terms with them-they often become much less frightening and painful" (pg.33).
Those are just 2 of the 12 strategies in the Whole-Brain Child by Tina Bryson and Daniel Siegel. I will continue to share their wisdom in the months ahead.
Thanks,
Jennifer
Why is integrating the right and left sides of the brain so important? If someone is only engaging in the left side of the brain, they may be too rigid in their thinking and acting. If someone is only engaging the right side of their brain, they are only functioning on an emotional/chaotic level, and they may not make good choices.
What can I do as a parent to help my child/adolescent integrate the logical and emotional sides of the brain? There are 2 strategies that can help.
Tip #1-Connect and Redirect-It is very important to connect feelings first, before redirecting behavior. Parents can spend an enormous amount of time correcting and redirecting behavior, but the child/adolescent may end up feeling "unheard" and the behavior may continue. Even if the feeling your child/adolescent is experiencing is futile or you believe unfounded; it is important to validate it nonetheless. Once you validate their feelings, join with their experience, they will feel heard and that teachable moment can occur with redirecting their behavior.
EXAMPLE-A mom I previously worked with (Not at the school) was having a hard time dealing with her daughter. She said her daughter was whining a lot and complained about the older sister getting all of the attention. At first the mom would get defensive and say that she gave both daughters equal attention. After she learned about connecting and redirecting, she validated her younger daughter's feelings and said "You are feeling left out and not paid attention to because your older sister is needing extra help right now, and I am focusing on her a lot." Her younger daughter agree and felt heard. Next the mom asked her what she could do next time she feels this way, instead of whining. The daughter said she could ask for some time together or to go on a "date" alone with the mom. After mom connected and redirected, she then moved on and the whining behavior significantly decreased.
(Scroll down to see a short video on this particular strategy.)
Tip #2-Name it to Tame it-assign words to what they are going through, help them explain what they are experiencing and be present. Once they can explain their personal experience, they are able to feel a sense of control. This is similar to the other tip, but the focus is on shrinking a very strong feeling such as scared or anger. Helping kids tell their experience is important for them to let the emotional side of the story have all the power.
EXAMPLE- You might have seen kids play or act out something scary they saw on the television or in a movie, or something scary that happened to them personally. A child I once worked with was afraid to leave her mother because when she was younger, she got lost in the mall. This was terrifying for her and she is afraid if she separates from her mom, she will get lost again. This also transferred to tough school goodbyes as well. She would often reenact the scene in play therapy. When the mom helped her tell her story or experience along with her feelings at the time, this helped her "put things in order" for herself about the scary situation. In the book, Whole-Brain Child, the authors Bryson and Siegel (2011) state "...research shows that merely assigning a name or label to what we feel literally calms down the activity of the emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere" (pg.29). They go on to state "When we can give words to our frightening and painful experiences-when we literally come to terms with them-they often become much less frightening and painful" (pg.33).
Those are just 2 of the 12 strategies in the Whole-Brain Child by Tina Bryson and Daniel Siegel. I will continue to share their wisdom in the months ahead.
Thanks,
Jennifer