March 2009-5 More Mentoring Qualities for Parents
This month is a continuation from February 2009 parenting tip. I will start where I left on and discuss qualities 6-10 based on the work of Dr. Fogarty in his book "Over-indulged Children, a Parent's Guide to Mentoring."
Quality #6-Mentoring Parents Know The Difference Between Children's "Needs" and "Wants."
It is important for mentoring parents to know the difference between demands or wants versus what they truly need. Children need water, food, cleanliness, and heat in the winter. In terms of relationships, children need affection, affiliation, encouragement, safety, trust, authenticity from parents, honesty, mentoring and more.
Some indulgent parents believe the more luxury or "want" items, the higher their self-esteem. However, excessive giving does not create love, but rather dependency, entitlement and anger.
Quality #7- The Past, Present, and the Potential Future
Basically, this quality is about parents dealing with their "stuff." This means that the parent's past stays in the past and they understand who and where they are today, how their past influences their present life, and their direction into their future.
Quality #8-Realistic Understanding of Strengths and Limits
This quality is about parents accepting their children's limitations and encouraging their strengths. They are realistic and instruct children to manage their limits, meanwhile teaching skills of interdependency. They are continually assessing their children's strengths and limits and offering positive and productive advice.
Quality #9- Respect For All
Mentoring parents are respectful of all groups of people and encourage their children to do the same. It doesn't mean they agree with all people and every lifestyle but that they are respectful to people who they agree with, as well as those that they do not agree with.
Indulgent parents see their children as superior to others. They compare and contrast their children with others. They believe there is no need to correct their children, as their children are perfect. Instead they believe others (teachers, etc.) should grant them special privileges.
Mentoring parents have well-defined values and practice their values daily. Even if your values conflict with your child's values, one could have safe, heated debates in a safe environment.